what are you doing now?

I've been pretty selective on how often I head out, and who I meet these days. Often times people would ask what am I doing now, of which I don't have an answer to. Or maybe I do, but it's probably not the answer that I should be giving.

Is it okay to not be doing anything, and simply trying to find my way in life? Why does it feel like I should have everything figured out? What does it even mean to have it all figured out?

After I stopped Petalfoo, I came across a quote from a book I read: "If you had all the money in the world, what would you be working as?" It hit me hard. We studied for almost 20 years of our lives, only to graduate and find a job. And we're to spend the next 50+ years of our lives working 8 hours (or more) a day, 5 days (or more) a week, before we retire. That's almost 75% of our life spent working. Is that all there is to life?

It isn't that I'm reluctant to find a job (well, I was completely okay driving Uber before Petalfoo just to sustain a decent income right?), but if I'm going to be exchanging my time for money, I'd want to be enjoying that time I'm spending. And right now, I just can't seem to find that one thing I'd enjoy doing.

I still aspire to lead a laptop lifestyle and build my income from there. I still believe money can be made without exchanging our time (and mental health) for it. But right now, I'm still figuring it all out, while battling the many voices that tell me otherwise - Instagram, friends, society, my bank account, etc.

So, what am I doing now? I'm trying.

p.s. Thank you husband, for being ever so supportive and patient with me. Thank you for believing in me even on days when I don't believe in myself. You are my absolute rock, and I honestly wouldn't know what I'd do without you. I love you.

empress

That feeling when you finally reconnect with a friend after 10+ years. (':

You've always been that friend I wish I had through the many highs and lows over the past few years. Even though we'd meet in group gatherings, that line you drew (kayyy we now know it wasn't intentional, but still) always kept us at a distance. I wasn't sure how things were gonna be like when I asked you out, but I'm really glad I did, and even gladder you agreed. I love how we caught up so naturally from where we left off, and how you (still) get me without me having to say much. 

Call me crazy all you want, laugh at how this seems all so silly to you, but there's no denying that I did miss having you around (even if it's one sided), maybe more than I should, and I'm just glad to know that after all this time, I still have a friend in you.

Thank you for being that very mature and grown up one who always knew the right thing to say and do, especially when I was a complete mess after losing my dad when we were only 17. Thank you for picking me up and having your entire life revolve around me (or so it felt) when you had absolutely no obligations to. Thank you for always having my back and looking out for me - I'm sure there were many times that went unnoticed. Thank you for being that friend who gives me a space I feel safe enough to share about anything and everything.

I hope that in the many years to come, I can be (at least half of) that friend to you. 

13 blogs

I've recently been re-introduced to the idea of keeping a diary/journaling (twenty five twenty one on netflix heh) but never really got down to doing so because I couldn't decide how best to - physical diary, writing with my apple pen on my ipad, etc. Then I got reminded of this space, along with the 12 other blogs I started from who knows when. I briefly looked through every one of it, each carrying memories from a period of my life I vaguely remember. There were happy posts, bittersweet ones, but all had something in common - cringeworthy.

Perhaps starting one blog after another was my way of letting go and moving on. And that was what I almost did to restart this diary habit. The 14th blogspotdotcom almost happened, but, I got lazy thinking of how I had to think of a new domain, layout, etc. Also, maybe it's time I learned to embrace my (cringey) past instead of shunning from it. This post is probably still gonna be cringey to my 40 year old self anyway.

So hello again, my 2014-2019 self. Let's hope this habit sticks.

twenty eighteen

Once Bitten, Never Again


2018 started out really rough. But I'm glad it did. Even if it took that much, I'd do the same all over again just to close that chapter of my life - the chapter that was never meant to be revisited.

You'd think people would cherish second chances, especially those that took a lot to come by. But no. Some people just don't. I'd say I wish I trusted my instincts, what's more the people who tried to talk me out of it right from the beginning. But love really is (was) blind. And the deeper you fall, the harder it'd be to make that decision to step out. Afterall, you already got this far. I can only say: "Never let an old flame burn you twice". While I'm not one to put it all out there to show how much of a struggle it was for me, people inevitably thought I was doing fine. I never once tried to explain myself, even when it happened for the first time 4 years ago. Being someone who cares too much about what the world thinks of me, that was a huge step back I chose to take. And that's when I started to realise that those who really really matter, really don't mind. 

The world can say a thousand things behind your back. But at the end of the day, I can only say I was right. Right about my instincts. Right about leaving. Right about where all of this was going. This ain't no competition, but to the people who felt that tinge of sympathy or sadness for me, I can only say I've won.

I lost something that (I thought) meant the world to me. But God showed me otherwise. He gave me so much more than I could ever ask for in 2018. 

He Takes Away and Gives

He put me in dance ministry and allowed me to continue serving Him through dance. Beyond all that opportunities to be on stage, go for my first ever platform worship, be part of celebrations in church throughout the year, He gave me a community I keep so close to my heart. Right here, I found some of the most genuine and loving people I know who constantly shower me with so much love and support during the trying times, the people who bring me closer to God.

I was introduced to BNI by a dear friend whom I'm ever thankful for. (Yes you, Gladys.) BNI is all about business and networking, but BNI Origins is all about business and family. These people taught me how important it is to never be alone in this entrepreneurship journey. I never once imagined myself running a business I'd call my own. But now, these people inspire me to keep going. Weekly meetings at 7:30am used to be a dread. (Okay, it still is sometimes.) Now, it feels like it has become a part of me, where I get to meet these new found friends of 2018 I love and care about so much on a weekly basis, to strive and pursue greater success together.

It is also through BNI that I met dyx. (Yes, that's how we met.) They say things happen when you least expect it to, that is so very true. After all that drama at the start of the year, I told God I just want to focus on my business for the rest of 2018. But at the same time, a dear friend told me about submitting this "checklist" of your ideal partner to God. I wasn't receptive to it at first. I felt like I shouldn't be demanding from God, and instead trust that He knows what's best for me. Yet, that idea lingered at the back of my mind. That "checklist" started piecing itself together in my own head, and wow I never knew I had that many expectations?! I told myself, "Okay, God is gonna take a while with this one."

"Ask and It will be Given to You."

I was wrong. What started as a business partnership when this nerd (hahaha) offered to run my website and SEO for me, turned into one of the best things I can ever ask for. There's his side of the story that's not for me to tell, but in all honesty, everything happened so unexpectedly. I never saw myself being with someone as nerdy as dyx, who doesn't do any sport, who talks too much rubbish (hahahaha), who is a decade older than me (okay he insists it's 9.5 years), etc etc. I prayed and asked God to safeguard this business partnership which I really wanted to work out for my business, and constantly rejected the idea of him being a potential partner whenever I was questioned by the best friend. But the more I tried to "find fault" with this guy, the more God proved that I was wrong about him. An emotional Instagram post of him missing his Dad sparked off our very first more intimate conversations - I could totally relate. I don't know how, or when, or why things happened, but it just did. We're so different, yet so so similar. Everything's aligned. And my checklist? All checked.

This nerd turned out to be the most loving, most patient, most understanding guy I've ever known. There were so many factors to consider, too many aspects to be concerned about. I don't know where I found the courage to take a shot at this, but I did. Dyx constantly makes me feel like we're a team, a team that can overcome anything and everything (still true to date). I began to appreciate all his "rubbish"; he went back into kayaking that he used to enjoy so much and clinched his 2 stars in just a few months; he signed himself up for a private ballroom dance class without knowing how much I long for a partner who'd be willing to learn dance with me; he lost so much weight in just a month without even trying hard to (God took my "I don't want to date a fat person anymore" very seriously hahaha); he truly loves me for who I am; the list goes on, but most importantly, he yearns for God.

To my DYX

It hasn't been an easy journey, but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. Many had doubts about this relationship, especially the people who love and care for me. Others who expressed their support said I'd be very doted on dating an older guy. I'm so glad that over the months, you've managed to ease the doubts and gain the trust of the people who matter most to me. And yes, I feel extremely loved (and sometimes spoiled) by you. Thank you for always wanting the best, and striving to be the best version of yourself for me.

2018 was a year of many firsts with lots of opportunities for us to grow as individuals, and as a team. I treasure all the happy moments shared, but I'm even more thankful for the trying times we've had. They were experiences that brought us closer than ever, testimonies of how our love can overcome anything and everything as long as we continue to choose one another. Thank you for being the living example of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, for showing me how very much bigger our hearts can be.

With you, I already know 2019 is going to be amazing. I can't wait for all our plans to unfold, and for both of us to excel in all that we set out to do. May we continue to grow - in our relationship, in our businesses, and in Christ.

Twenty Nineteen

A year of uncertainty awaits. But I'm excited to see what God has in store. 2018 was a year for me to be of good courage. 2019 is going to be a year where I learn to fully trust in God with all my heart.

Here's to making the best out of the upcoming year.

august 27

Today marks the second year in my relationship with God. This weekend was spent reflecting a lot on how much God has seen me through from where I was two years ago. Feeling extremely rejected when things were not going well for me back then, I questioned who God is, and struggled to make sense of all the pain “He was putting me through”. But He told me that the pain I’m feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. He promised He’d see me through. And He really, really did.

God walked very closely with me in this two years, and has given me way more than I ever deserve. I remember how uncomfortable I was during those times I attended service alone. Everything felt so foreign to me. But at the same time, going to church gave me the peace I longed for. He then made this journey a lot less lonely with cell, where I've formed close relationships with some of the most sincere and genuine humans I know. I also remember the very first time I saw the dancers worship on stage. It was beautiful, and it made me miss dancing. (I’ve been wanting to go back to dance for the longest time.) But as a new believer, I didn’t think I was good enough to be dancing in church. I didn’t think I was worthy enough to be dancing for God. But God knows our heart's desires. He paved a way to dance ministry, which has allowed me to take this relationship with Him even deeper in the past 9 months.

This weekend, God sent me on my very first platform experience. I was initially only asked to join backstage to intercede and pray for Veron and Ian, as well as to understand more about how platform is being done. Besides, my ankle has yet to fully recover, and I've never really managed a flag before (other than the 2 practices we had). But while waiting back stage and hoping that I don’t get sent out, Veron and Ian received confirmation that God wanted me to dance. This happened right before worship started, and my was I nervous! But when God calls, you obey, even if you feel the super unprepared, right? Hahaha. I'm super glad I did, for that moment turned out to be one of the closest encounter I’ve ever experienced with God through dance. It felt so surreal being able to worship Him so freely on stage, something I never saw myself doing two years ago. He reminded me of how I can really do all things through Him. He reminded me to never have to worry if I was doing it right, if I was good enough, if people down stage can tell that it's my first time; because when it comes to worship, it's all about an audience of one and only one, and that's God.

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Dear God, I thank you for this two years. Truly, you are close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. All that I am, I owe it to you. Thank you for all that you've done. Thank you for loving me so fiercely. Thank you for this amazing gift of dance. I pray that You continue to use me mightily to touch the lives of others, and to spread Your goodness. Here's to many more August 27s. In Jesus' most precious name, Amen.

The things that you do, they still kill me a little inside. I should be happy, happy that you're finally learning to let go. But the thought of how I'd slowly and eventually become nothing but a past you don't want to remember, that's too much to bear. Afterall, a part of me once wanted you to be my everything, like how you promised that I'd be yours.

I think about how our lives flashed before our eyes in that car accident in US (I still get the chills), and how I told myself I'd never want to lose you; but I still did. I think of all our goals and dreams we made together; but we won't be there to witness it for one another. I think about how much you claimed and still claim to love me; but these are just words that no longer mean anything.

I wish you knew how much it took for me to give this a second chance, and how much it breaks me for how it all turned out. I'm not the best at walking away from people, but with you, I have to. If there's one thing that hasn't changed, it's how much I (still) believe in you. I know you'll be successful in all that you set out to do, to realize those big dreams you have, and become that amazing person accomplishing extraordinary things in life. You once told me you believe you're meant for greater things - you truly are. But I honestly wouldn't know how to deal with not being the one who sees you through it all. Or rather, to witness someone else being there for you every step away, when that person should've been me.

In situations like these where staying and leaving are tough decisions to make, you just end up choosing the one that hurts less, don't you? But regardless, you'll always have a part of me wherever you go. Know that through the good times and the bad, someone out there will always be rooting for you. And I just want you to know (in advance) that I'm mad proud of you for all that you're gonna achieve. Remember, we said 2018 was gonna be our year (for our careers) - let's make it happen. (:

Stay happy always. 

With love,

Bird

Moments like these, I wish my heart knew what "enough" really means.

Then maybe this wouldn't be so hard.